Will the Real Leaders Please Speak Up. (before another abused child lands in intensive care)
While Israel's headlines have had a respite from child abuse cases these past few weeks the problem obviously has not gone away. The current focus may be on the American father who murdered his three children, and on the Austrian who imprisoned and repeatedly raped and impregnated his daughter, but let's not presume that in Israel our children are now safe.
Since the rash of abuse cases that surfaced last month, no steps have been taken toward implementing changes in government policy regarding child abuse/neglect. Likewise no warnings by any Rabbis about the dangers inherent in physical punishment have been publicized. Instead, all we heard during the weeks preceding Pesach was a chorus of Rabbis exhorting their followers to protest against the sale of bread on the holiday.
And with that crisis now swept under the carpet, new "pashkevilim" - billboards - have appeared in my neighborhood publicizing the latest threat: It seems that some Yeshiva boys who travel north during "bein hazmanim"((i.e.vacation) to Tzfat and Tiveria and stay in hotels or boarding houses - i.e. tzimerim - gain access to DVD's and televisions resulting in "spiritual deterioration" according to the billboards. The Rabbis have consequently banned any and all such outings by Yeshiva boys unless "absolutely necessary" and then, only in organized groups.
Why don't we hear of the same concern, outrage, and intervention by these Rabbis with regard to children who are suffering abuse and neglect, silently and secretly behind the closed doors of their own homes -cum -prisons?
Where is their admonishment to refrain from laying hands or other weapons on children's bodies? Where are their words of wisdom explaining to clueless parents that the caution of King Solomon "He who does not use the stick hates his child", like so many other Biblical writings, need not be taken literally? Where are the sorely lacking high school parenting courses that would train prospective parents; courses that would equip them with the skills and tools to discipline their children without physical punishment?
Yesterday, Ynet published the first interview given by the mother of twelve, leader of the "burqa cult", who has been charged with severe child abuse. From her home in Ramat Bet Shemesh where she is under house arrest and barred from any contact with her children, she attempted a lengthy but lame self- defense. Little does she realize that most of what she told the reporter, (in writing, by the way, since she rarely deigns to break her vow of silence) is actually incriminating. Her lawyer must have taken the day off and is now, after reading the article, presumably tearing her hair out.
First, the accused conceded she hit them:
"Nothing of the kind ever happened. I never abused my children. If I hit them, it was nothing more than spanking, and even that didn't happened more than once every couple of months, educational spankings."
At one point she sounds confused:
"'There's a proverb – He who spares the rod hates his son, she said when confronted with the allegations she used to chain her children to a chair and hit them. 'It tells of how Solomon's mother tied him up and bit (sic) him until the Messiah emerged. The kids read it and decided to act is out. It was a game.'"
At another point she puts her sanity in question and bares her megalomania:
"'I realize the heavens have sent me to see how miserable the people of Israel are. It's like they told me – You have to see what's really going on and who needs you to pray for them'".
Finally, at the reporter's suggestion, she pens a message for her children which makes one pray hard she never regains parental custody:
"'My sweet children, I love you very much,' she wrote on a piece of paper, 'and I'm not angry at any of you. I love God more than anyone.'"
If our lawmakers and Rabbis were to give this problem the attention it deserves many changes would follow. First, neighbors, teachers, friends and relatives of abused children would be less reluctant to report the parents. Currently, the fear of meddling, violating the edict against "lashon hara" (i.e. slander) or of involving the secular criminal justice system all restrain witnesses of abuse/neglect from notifying the appropriate authorities.
Second, legislation protecting children could be enacted. While I personally advocate a law against any physical punishment of children I would settle for one that protects only children under 4 years of age. I would not expect the law to be upheld too often since there would rarely be witnesses to its violation. However, I believe that its mere enactment would deter many parents from hitting their children and would encourage those who suspect abuse to report it promptly. The victims in the recently reported cases suffered abuse over long periods of time.
Finally, there are regulations short of the (admittedly controversial) no-spanking law which could minimize abuse and neglect. One such regulation, enacted by the Ministry of Education in the last decade, forbids nursery/kindergarten teachers from sending a child home alone. I remember neighbors who, even in the most inclement weather, sent their four year old alone to school, a walk which involved crossing three streets. She wore a key around her neck because she was expected to return at the end of the morning to an empty house and wait alone for several hours until an older sibling returned from school. The teachers saw nothing wrong with this arrangement. I did, though. Despite my child's protests that this girl tormented her in school,
I could not in good conscience leave her to fend for herself particularly since she lived only three buildings away from us. I brought her to my house, fed her and only sent her home after she confirmed that someone was there. But I never reported the neglect, something I regret to this day.
With the new regulation in place, it would be a lot harder for parents to get away with that sort of neglect.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Heaven and hell
The contrast could not be starker. Mothers from hell and mothers from heaven, living in the same country, the same society, sometimes even neighbors.
On the very day that a Jerusalem mother of eight is indicted for tortuously abusing her two healthy, normal toddlers, a mother of two disabled children struggles to get them wheelchairs by threatening suicide at the Knesset.
Likewise in the same week that the burqa-cult leader and mother of twelve is indicted for abusing her children, the parents of disabled children lose their youth recreation center to a fire apparently set by angry neighbors. Many in the community of Even Sapir, where the new center was awaiting its official opening next month, were candid about their sentiments. They invoked the standard litany of terrors - diminished quality of life, loss of property value, noise - in defense of their prejudices.
They also cited a less typical excuse: religious zealousness. As one resident put it: "We fear the street will fill with cars and the wheelchairs of hundreds of handicapped on Shabbat". And we all know what G-d would think of that.
A Jerusalem real estate agent, attempting to explain the neighbors' concerns, said:
At first glance, the above issues may appear unrelated. But the truth is, the answers to both rampant child abuse and discrimination against the disabled lie with the government.
When a state tolerates neglect and refuses to legislate against physical punishment it gives child abusers a green light. It tells them, you can hit, hurt, beat, lash out, provided you do so within limits.
And when a government allows its citizens to bar centers for the disabled, and builds multi-million dollar institutions for the disabled in deserted locations, it is giving exclusion a green light. Because of our government's policies, parents of the disabled are left to try and convince the communities that inclusion of the disabled will benefit, rather than harm them. Despite their efforts very little progress has been made in this area. Most communities in Israel are still "disabled-free".
A case in point is the recent opening of Aleh Negev, a mega- institution accommodating 220 disabled people. Situated as far from any community and from any scrutiny as possible it enjoyed generous funding from our government, not to mention its donation of all the land on which it was constructed.
Enclosing people with disabilities in their own "village", as Aleh directors enjoy referring to it, isolated from the rest of society denies everyone the opportunity to encounter people with disabilities and to overcome their primitive fear of and revulsion from them.
While the rest of the modern world is actively promoting their integration into the wider society by mandating accessibility, school mainstreaming and small in-community residences, Israel is surging in the reverse direction.
And here, once again, the two issues dovetail: If children with disabilities were mainstreamed into society, and, wherever possible, into regular schools, then parents of non-disabled children would be affected. They would look at their healthy, normal children with renewed appreciation. They would envelope them in hugs and kisses and thank G-d for their blessings. Anger, spankings and even abuse, would inevitably wane.
In short, everyone would reaps rewards of inclusion.
On the very day that a Jerusalem mother of eight is indicted for tortuously abusing her two healthy, normal toddlers, a mother of two disabled children struggles to get them wheelchairs by threatening suicide at the Knesset.
Likewise in the same week that the burqa-cult leader and mother of twelve is indicted for abusing her children, the parents of disabled children lose their youth recreation center to a fire apparently set by angry neighbors. Many in the community of Even Sapir, where the new center was awaiting its official opening next month, were candid about their sentiments. They invoked the standard litany of terrors - diminished quality of life, loss of property value, noise - in defense of their prejudices.
They also cited a less typical excuse: religious zealousness. As one resident put it: "We fear the street will fill with cars and the wheelchairs of hundreds of handicapped on Shabbat". And we all know what G-d would think of that.
A Jerusalem real estate agent, attempting to explain the neighbors' concerns, said:
"We live in a world that that doesn't like to see weak people. A person gets up in the morning and doesn't want to see people in wheelchairs. We are a society of "succeeders", so any institution that is connected with any connotation of success, not weakness, - such as a school for the gifted, would be an easier pill for a neighborhood to swallow."And this is the society I left family, friends and security for?
At first glance, the above issues may appear unrelated. But the truth is, the answers to both rampant child abuse and discrimination against the disabled lie with the government.
When a state tolerates neglect and refuses to legislate against physical punishment it gives child abusers a green light. It tells them, you can hit, hurt, beat, lash out, provided you do so within limits.
And when a government allows its citizens to bar centers for the disabled, and builds multi-million dollar institutions for the disabled in deserted locations, it is giving exclusion a green light. Because of our government's policies, parents of the disabled are left to try and convince the communities that inclusion of the disabled will benefit, rather than harm them. Despite their efforts very little progress has been made in this area. Most communities in Israel are still "disabled-free".
A case in point is the recent opening of Aleh Negev, a mega- institution accommodating 220 disabled people. Situated as far from any community and from any scrutiny as possible it enjoyed generous funding from our government, not to mention its donation of all the land on which it was constructed.
Enclosing people with disabilities in their own "village", as Aleh directors enjoy referring to it, isolated from the rest of society denies everyone the opportunity to encounter people with disabilities and to overcome their primitive fear of and revulsion from them.
While the rest of the modern world is actively promoting their integration into the wider society by mandating accessibility, school mainstreaming and small in-community residences, Israel is surging in the reverse direction.
And here, once again, the two issues dovetail: If children with disabilities were mainstreamed into society, and, wherever possible, into regular schools, then parents of non-disabled children would be affected. They would look at their healthy, normal children with renewed appreciation. They would envelope them in hugs and kisses and thank G-d for their blessings. Anger, spankings and even abuse, would inevitably wane.
In short, everyone would reaps rewards of inclusion.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Abuse again
I never imagined that my first two blog entries would soon dovetail as neatly as they have in the past week.
A 54 year old mother of twelve from Ramat Bet Shemesh, presumably the leader of the Burqa cult, has been arrested and indicted for abusing and neglecting her children and for failing to intervene in their incestuous conduct. Once again, poor children have allegedly suffered at the hands of a strictly religious, observant mother who also happens to be a sadist. It boggles the mind.
And since then, more tales of child abuse have surfaced in Israel nearly every other day, most involving chareidi parents. There are so many aspects to this story it's hard to decide where to begin.
Perhaps, for starters, the refusal of the chareidi leaders and rabbis to condemn physical punishment of children deserves a few lines of attention. When, in 2000, Israel's High Court issued a decision declaring any capital punishment by parents, including spanking, to be a crime, we had a high-profile chareidi apologist screaming foul. He devoted an entire column in the Jerusalem Post to the defense of parental hitting of children on moral and halachic grounds.
His rant was so riddled with illogic it would take too long to pick it apart point by point. I'll just bring a couple of salient quotes:
These lovers of spankings can't seem to comprehend that eliminating physical punishment from our parenting tool-box does not mean an end to discipline or boundaries. There are myriad ways of achieving precisely what that apologist spoke of without violating our children's bodies. The sole reason that hitting children is so accepted is that it is easy (we are after all bigger and stronger than them), gets immediate - though temporary - results and boy does it release the anger effectively.
In January, 2007, we heard Rabbi Halperin declare at a conference in Jerusalem that "a light tap" of a child by a parent is permitted "if followed up with a hug." Parents clearly didn't need his encouragement to lay hands on their children, not to mention thoroughly confuse them with a follow-up hug. They seem to be "tapping" (that was a new euphemism for me) just fine all on their own, thank you very much.
Now I know that if figures of authority would discourage the practice it wouldn't disappear. But at least many would start to think twice from time to time before hitting. And it along with outright abuse - a corollary of spanking - might finally diminish as well.
Another dim-witted defender of parental hitting is some rabbi with a video on the Aish site who triumphantly cites a poll that found most CEO's of top US corporations were spanked as children. Well, with such scientifically sound data against me, I'd better just rest my case. I could go on railing, and fully intend to in my next entry.
A 54 year old mother of twelve from Ramat Bet Shemesh, presumably the leader of the Burqa cult, has been arrested and indicted for abusing and neglecting her children and for failing to intervene in their incestuous conduct. Once again, poor children have allegedly suffered at the hands of a strictly religious, observant mother who also happens to be a sadist. It boggles the mind.
And since then, more tales of child abuse have surfaced in Israel nearly every other day, most involving chareidi parents. There are so many aspects to this story it's hard to decide where to begin.
Perhaps, for starters, the refusal of the chareidi leaders and rabbis to condemn physical punishment of children deserves a few lines of attention. When, in 2000, Israel's High Court issued a decision declaring any capital punishment by parents, including spanking, to be a crime, we had a high-profile chareidi apologist screaming foul. He devoted an entire column in the Jerusalem Post to the defense of parental hitting of children on moral and halachic grounds.
His rant was so riddled with illogic it would take too long to pick it apart point by point. I'll just bring a couple of salient quotes:
"No one ever became an alcoholic without taking one drink but that hardly mandates Prohibition."Then he gets all religious on us, as if spanking is next to G-dliness. So he offers the classic drivel with which spanking is defended:
"The Torah view is that the parent-child relationship is the model for our relationship with G-d... Children learn from their parents that they are subject to rule, and some authority commands respect... the sole justification for punishing a child is the desire to help him grow to become the best possible person he can..."And on and on.
These lovers of spankings can't seem to comprehend that eliminating physical punishment from our parenting tool-box does not mean an end to discipline or boundaries. There are myriad ways of achieving precisely what that apologist spoke of without violating our children's bodies. The sole reason that hitting children is so accepted is that it is easy (we are after all bigger and stronger than them), gets immediate - though temporary - results and boy does it release the anger effectively.
In January, 2007, we heard Rabbi Halperin declare at a conference in Jerusalem that "a light tap" of a child by a parent is permitted "if followed up with a hug." Parents clearly didn't need his encouragement to lay hands on their children, not to mention thoroughly confuse them with a follow-up hug. They seem to be "tapping" (that was a new euphemism for me) just fine all on their own, thank you very much.
Now I know that if figures of authority would discourage the practice it wouldn't disappear. But at least many would start to think twice from time to time before hitting. And it along with outright abuse - a corollary of spanking - might finally diminish as well.
Another dim-witted defender of parental hitting is some rabbi with a video on the Aish site who triumphantly cites a poll that found most CEO's of top US corporations were spanked as children. Well, with such scientifically sound data against me, I'd better just rest my case. I could go on railing, and fully intend to in my next entry.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Mothers
Two sordid stories involving chareidim have hit the headlines this week. One, emanating from Australia, is a mind-blowing tale of ongoing molestation of female high-school students by their Israeli principal, Malka Leifer. The second, a local, Israeli one, and even more shocking, is of the tortuous abuse of two toddlers, both hospitalized, one of whom is still unconscious.
The usual arguments will be bandied back and forth: such crimes are not any more rampant in the Chareidi world than elsewhere; Chareidim are just human like everyone else; their abuse incidents are just higher profile because they are scrutinized more closely than other sectors, etc. And the counter lines: It's all because they suppress their emotions and eschew mental health treatment because of the stigma it carries; their youth are naive, ignorant of molestation because of their insular upbringing and as such are easy prey.
I would like to focus on one more counter argument: the fact that Chareidi women are virtually forced, even if only psychologically, to bear children on an annual basis. Many of them do not particularly love children and even if they do, are unequipped to deal with such a deluge of them. I have witnessed neglect first hand in the homes of my Chareidi relatives. Babies left lying on narrow sofas because "nothing will happen"; babies handed to siblings and, "oops", dropped on Israeli stone floors; babies left unattended with full bottles propped up and in their mouths while mother goes out swimming; babies left howling, unconsoled in the pusher while mother, entirely unfazed, carries on chatting with her sisters at a family simcha; babies sent to the swimming pool to be supervised in the water by siblings, children themselves. These are practices that were not concealed because they were deemed perfectly acceptable by the mothers. Heaven only knows what went on behind closed doors.
The women involved in both of this week's breaking news stories were obviously not suited for the lifestyle that was inflicted on them by Chareidi dictates. The lesbian principal should never have married a man. The abusive mother, not financially oppressed by the way, given her upper-class address, should never have had children.
As the devoted mother of a profoundly disabled teen, I am personally incensed by both of these stories. I have always felt that people who cannot appreciate their healthy, sweet, innocent children should not be permitted to raise them. But the perpetrators of the abuses currently grabbing headlines obviously deserve nothing short of long prison terms. Unfortunately, I doubt that justice will be done to them. We can only shudder to ponder how many other children still suffer, silently, helplessly, at the hands of parents and educators like these two.
The usual arguments will be bandied back and forth: such crimes are not any more rampant in the Chareidi world than elsewhere; Chareidim are just human like everyone else; their abuse incidents are just higher profile because they are scrutinized more closely than other sectors, etc. And the counter lines: It's all because they suppress their emotions and eschew mental health treatment because of the stigma it carries; their youth are naive, ignorant of molestation because of their insular upbringing and as such are easy prey.
I would like to focus on one more counter argument: the fact that Chareidi women are virtually forced, even if only psychologically, to bear children on an annual basis. Many of them do not particularly love children and even if they do, are unequipped to deal with such a deluge of them. I have witnessed neglect first hand in the homes of my Chareidi relatives. Babies left lying on narrow sofas because "nothing will happen"; babies handed to siblings and, "oops", dropped on Israeli stone floors; babies left unattended with full bottles propped up and in their mouths while mother goes out swimming; babies left howling, unconsoled in the pusher while mother, entirely unfazed, carries on chatting with her sisters at a family simcha; babies sent to the swimming pool to be supervised in the water by siblings, children themselves. These are practices that were not concealed because they were deemed perfectly acceptable by the mothers. Heaven only knows what went on behind closed doors.
The women involved in both of this week's breaking news stories were obviously not suited for the lifestyle that was inflicted on them by Chareidi dictates. The lesbian principal should never have married a man. The abusive mother, not financially oppressed by the way, given her upper-class address, should never have had children.
As the devoted mother of a profoundly disabled teen, I am personally incensed by both of these stories. I have always felt that people who cannot appreciate their healthy, sweet, innocent children should not be permitted to raise them. But the perpetrators of the abuses currently grabbing headlines obviously deserve nothing short of long prison terms. Unfortunately, I doubt that justice will be done to them. We can only shudder to ponder how many other children still suffer, silently, helplessly, at the hands of parents and educators like these two.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Beasts of burden in the chareidi world
Secular Israeli journalists tend to wax optimistic when writing about the state of the Israeli Chareidi sector. For several years now, they have insisted that they are growing increasingly more enlightened, progressive and accepting of the non-chareidi world.
Usually the evidence they rely on is the high-tech training and positions that some chareidis have pursued.
But this rosy perception is an illusion. The truth is that the Chareidi sector is building ever more massive walls around their communities. Their Rabbis churn our "new and improved" restrictions on their charges, particularly the women, on a nearly daily basis. The realm of Tzniut (=modesty), a favorite target of theirs, has spawned numerous radical edicts including separate seating on public buses (i.e. women relegated to the rear seats), bans on wigs, on make-up, on arm-swinging; segregated shopping hours; bans on use of the internet; bans on chassidic song festivals despite segregated entrances and seating; and the list continues.
Haaretz columnist Avirama Golan exposes the purported evidence of enlightenment - the chareidi foray into high-tech - for what it is: a means of entrenching chareidi men yet deeper in their non-working lifestyle.
The companies that hire chareidi women are paid 1,000 shekels/month for every ultra-Orthodix woman hired. These employees, ever the beast-of-burden in their sector, have proven to be far more reliable and hard-working than their Indian counter-parts.
Golan quotes an engineer in one such firm: "[The women] asked the rabbis it it was permitted to go out for a few minutes to pray, and they were reprimanded and told that it wasn't. Nor are they allowed to rest for a moment for fear of 'stealing' [their employer's time], and they do not argue or complain."
For 5,000 shekels or less per month they work from 7am to 4pm.
Golan wonders why the government - I would extend that to the secular media - still insists on claiming the enlistment of chareidi women into high-tech as an achievement. The answer is probably fear. The secular sector sees the demographic writing on the wall and dreads the inevitable day when they are out-numbered by the ultra-orthodox. To allay those fears they delude themselves with the myth that the walls between the two sectors are crumbling.
Can it be that the Rabbis are not entirely sincere? That they don't issue edicts, as they claim, for the spiritual benefit of their followers? They they relish the control they exercise over their followers?
While I am sure, as a halachic-abiding Jew myself, that there are genuine G-d-fearing men among them, I have no doubt that some are self-centered narcissists. As someone who enjoys the privilege of having revered Rabbis for close relatives, I can confidently state that there are among them some who are certifiably nasty and callous.
Yet to come: why haven't the Rabbis publicly denounced the nascent but growing sartorial trend among women of wearing dozens of layers of clothing over every part of their bodies, faces included. Without a word from them, could Burqas in Bnei Brak be far off?
Usually the evidence they rely on is the high-tech training and positions that some chareidis have pursued.
But this rosy perception is an illusion. The truth is that the Chareidi sector is building ever more massive walls around their communities. Their Rabbis churn our "new and improved" restrictions on their charges, particularly the women, on a nearly daily basis. The realm of Tzniut (=modesty), a favorite target of theirs, has spawned numerous radical edicts including separate seating on public buses (i.e. women relegated to the rear seats), bans on wigs, on make-up, on arm-swinging; segregated shopping hours; bans on use of the internet; bans on chassidic song festivals despite segregated entrances and seating; and the list continues.
Haaretz columnist Avirama Golan exposes the purported evidence of enlightenment - the chareidi foray into high-tech - for what it is: a means of entrenching chareidi men yet deeper in their non-working lifestyle.
The companies that hire chareidi women are paid 1,000 shekels/month for every ultra-Orthodix woman hired. These employees, ever the beast-of-burden in their sector, have proven to be far more reliable and hard-working than their Indian counter-parts.
Golan quotes an engineer in one such firm: "[The women] asked the rabbis it it was permitted to go out for a few minutes to pray, and they were reprimanded and told that it wasn't. Nor are they allowed to rest for a moment for fear of 'stealing' [their employer's time], and they do not argue or complain."
For 5,000 shekels or less per month they work from 7am to 4pm.
Golan wonders why the government - I would extend that to the secular media - still insists on claiming the enlistment of chareidi women into high-tech as an achievement. The answer is probably fear. The secular sector sees the demographic writing on the wall and dreads the inevitable day when they are out-numbered by the ultra-orthodox. To allay those fears they delude themselves with the myth that the walls between the two sectors are crumbling.
Can it be that the Rabbis are not entirely sincere? That they don't issue edicts, as they claim, for the spiritual benefit of their followers? They they relish the control they exercise over their followers?
While I am sure, as a halachic-abiding Jew myself, that there are genuine G-d-fearing men among them, I have no doubt that some are self-centered narcissists. As someone who enjoys the privilege of having revered Rabbis for close relatives, I can confidently state that there are among them some who are certifiably nasty and callous.
Yet to come: why haven't the Rabbis publicly denounced the nascent but growing sartorial trend among women of wearing dozens of layers of clothing over every part of their bodies, faces included. Without a word from them, could Burqas in Bnei Brak be far off?
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